Hay, hay! My name is Brian Laffan (pronounced La-fawn), and I yearn to have a bad experience. I live in Alabama, North America. I am stupid, puny, and six years old right now (10/2/2017). I am a boy. I have long-ish, dirty blonde curly hair. I’m tiny. I often go from 12:30-1:30 gymnastics, at Armory Athletics, in Madison Avenue, Montgomery, Alabama, USA, North America, America, and I’d like you to kidnap me.
 Plan to kidnap me:
First, print this paper: “
Jake Williams and Mrs. Laffan on Google E-mail:Â Private Conversation
Mrs. Laffan 3 hours ago
Inbox:72 Okay, Jake! You can take Brian for his sleepover right after his gymnastics. Arrive at 1:25                  Spam:64 tomorrow, so you can have some time to see how well he’s doing at gymnastics! Brian’s   Important:17 cousin will be there at four. It’ll be such a nice party! I’m so glad I found you, Jake. This Trash:153      wouldn’t have happened without me meeting you yesterday!
More…
Jake Williams 2.9 hours ago
Definitely! I’ll go see my long-lost godson and let him know everything. I haven’t ever seen him, so it’ll be awesome to talk to Brian!
Mrs. Laffan 2.8 hours ago
Perfect! Take him at 1:33-ish, tomorrow.  You can have my car; I’ll just take the bus to home and gather my stuff, and see him at four, tomorrow!
Jake Williams 2.7 hours ago
Excellent, friend Jake. I’m getting things ready now!
“
2. Go to Armory Athletics, Montgomery, Alabama, United States, in North America, at 1:00 PM, on Wednesday, October 23rd. You must live at least 2 hours away. Enter the building that says GYMNASTICS, and go in the downstairs hallway at the building. Once it’s around 1:30, I will come out. Identify me, and make sure my mom (white, usually seen holding a baby or the baby is nearby) is not around. She has brown hair, and usually is seen hanging around the bleachers, so come EARLY, when she isn’t. Mrs. Laffan is pretty tall. Tell me, “Hi Brian! Yesterday, I finally found my long-lost best friend, your mother, Mrs. Laffan. I haven’t seen her in eight years, on May 17th, a whole two years before your birth, so I and your Mom are hosting a party at my house! Here’s proof:â€
And you show me the paper. I read it. You say, “I have Mrs. Laffan’s special permission. Your cousin Jewel Morgan will be able to come too, at 3:00 to 5:30, along with your grandpa and dad! We’ll have healthy pizza, healthy ice cream, and everything. It’ll be such a nice reunion!â€
Then take my hand, making sure my mom isn’t around, and lead me out of the building, making sure to be hurrying, but not as much as would make anyone suspicious. Go in the parking lot. Say not too loud, “now, she said I could borrow her car, it was faster, but where is it?†Look at me and speak in a normal voice, “What’s Mrs. Laffan’s car color? She had a different one when I was around. Was it… white?†I will say the car color, so you ask me to point at it. I (usually) will.
“Okay. Just so I know. Let’s go in my car. We can drive to my house, and Mrs. Laffan will come soon after me. She’ll get everything for herself ready soon. But I’m already completely ready.†Still with my hand in yours, put me in the back of your car and you in the driver’s seat. Lock the doors. Drive to your house.
Without my hand in yours, I and you should enter your house. Say, “Let’s get all the food readyâ€, throw off all my clothes, and open a never-used room or crappy room or pantry/crappy pantry and throw me in it. Lock the door.
One day later, put your urinary and fecal deposits in a small glass, open the pantry door a crack, and give me it. I will eat my own from now on.